People of England

In this blog, I would like to address a problem that has affected this fine nation for years. It is a blight on this country, and a shame to all who experience and know it. I talk, of course, about the growing obsolescence of the Christmas number one song.

There was a time when bands and artists would create specific songs for Christmas, songs that captured the minds, hearts and ears of the public and would inspire many for years to come. A time when it wasn't clear what song would become the next great, the one people would be singing for years to come, that would be on CDs and in compilations long into the future. It was a surprise, and it would be that one that people would not only buy before Christmas, but after it as well because it had done so well.

But recently, something has changed. A horrific trend swept across the nation, which has effectively wiped out the Christmas number one - X-Factor. This horrid show, full of mindless, vacuous people singing mediocre tunes with mediocre skill, has been carefully choreographed and broadcast to end at the start of the week in which the Christmas number one is decided. Year after year we are faced with yet another bland, lifeless song that has nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas or even this time of year, and no matter what the rest of us try to do, those lemmings who follow this travesty of a show like a religion ensure that the Christmas number one is always the winner or runner up on this programme.

This is destroying the Christmas number one in numerous ways - firstly, it is killing the surprise. Everyone now knows that the winner of X-Factor will be the Christmas number one. Where is the fun in that? There's just no point in the public who aren't involved with this tripe attempting anything to stop that from happening, because the result is always the same. Also, there is no point in any bands or artists producing a Christmas song for much the same reason, which leads me on to the second point - it is killing off the Christmas song.

I am not talking about the Christmas number one exclusively, but Christmas songs in general. Since everyone knows that the winner of X-Factor will be the Christmas number one, no one is bothering to make Christmas songs any more - The Darkness tried valiantly with "Christmas Tme (Don't Let The Bells End)", but for some unknown reason they were beaten by the depressing remake of "Mad World". If people don't make any new Christmas songs, the magic and wonder is lost for future generations, and I refuse to let that happen. I just hope and pray that actual artists and bands feel the same way.

Thirdly and finally, without a song about Christmas being the Christmas number one, it is growing ever harder to get into the proper Christmas spirit - I'm not talking about feeling glee at the sight of numerous Christmas television adverts selling all kinds of toys and consumerables tugged along by a fat man in a sleigh, I am talking about the spirit of Christmas that embodies love, friendship, giving and making people happy. I know it's a religious holiday, but that seems to be growing less and less important as the years go by, but that's an argument for another blog.

I think that either X-Factor should end way before the Christmas period, so people can buy it earlier as a present, or its winner should not be allowed to release their album until after the Christmas period, where it would probably make just as much money in the January sales. Please X-Factor, leave Christmas alone.

In other news, I'm back home for the holidays! Seeing old friends, catching up, all that kind of stuff - it's pretty fun being home as well, having meals cooked for me, my washing done, and having a fridge and freezer that are always stocked. Life is good.

Love Is On The Web

Well, it's been in the air for quite some time actually, I just haven't broadcast it on here yet - I've been going out with my girlfriend Emily for almost two years now, and I thought it was about time I mentioned her. I apologise greatly to all those who already know about Emily, but I also want to apologise to Emily for not mentioning her sooner. I really should have done, seeing as how gosh darn serious it all is, darn tootin'.

In all seriousness, she is amazing, wonderful and beautiful, so I thought of no better way to show my appreciation for the last twenty one months by making my new StickLife Chums comic about something that happened a while ago, at the beginning of our relationship.

Yes, this actually happened, and on our first proper date, no less. We were doing the whole back-row thing in the cinema, completely oblivious to the adverts going on - after about thirty minutes of mindless drivel about which deodorant makes your pits smell least like a recycled nappy you kind of just switch off - when all of a sudden, mid snog, a woman's voice whispers to us from the surround sound speakers "Sexually transmitted diseases are spreading..."

Needless to say, we pissed ourselves laughing at the hilarity and irony of the situation, and thoroughly enjoyed the film, though I'm hard-pressed to remember which film we went to see, which will probably get me in considerable trouble - yup, it just has. But at least I paid for it. At least I think I did. At the very least, I paid for the drinks.

Now I apologise right now for the sappiness of what's to come, but I'd like to elaborate on how we met, because I love this story and I don't think it will ever get old to either of us. We happened to be taking the same course at sixth form college, though we had never met or even crossed paths. We both decided to go on the media trip to San Fransisco and Los Angeles, and upon touchdown in San Francisco, I decided to talk to Emily because she was friends with someone I knew in my media lessons, and I knew absolutely no one else on this trip except for my media buddy. We got talking, struck a pretty much instant rapport and became great friends in the first fifteen minutes of knowing each other.

Yeah, definitely San Francisco

On the coach to the hotel we started talking more with some friends she knew - she has far too many friends, she's a socialising machine - and we came up with some classic jokes that we still go over today, and we both chuckle and laugh and reminisce about the old times. The hotel was alright, but we just hung out a lot together and went pretty much everywhere together, and we were getting along great, and I almost killed her with laughter on the boat back from our visit to Alcatraz - Alcatraz itself was great, I'd been there before so I could show off my knowledge and look impressive, which failed miserably anyway. Ah well. We ended up going to Bubba Gump Shrimp on Pier 49 purely because I knew it was there, and that turned out to be the best decision of the day. 

It was only later on in San Fran that we started linking arms, and we started to consider the possibilty that there was more to it than friendship, but when we got to LA things began to get a little more serious. We were staying in the same hotel that my family and I stayed in when we visited LA a few years before, so I knew the area relatively well, and I could take Emily and the friends that I had made around the bit that we were staying, which included taking them to an awesome breakfast diner on one of the last days. Emily and I were holding hands now, and getting pretty close as time went on.

War of the Worlds much? Universal Studios for the win

There was an incident with one of the freakier people on the trip, and Emily was in a pretty fragile state, which left me to look after her, and I felt right helping her out and making her feel better, and we both knew that things had taken a more serious turn in our developing relationship. However, sometime in the trip she found out I had a girlfriend, and I was missing both our one month anniversary and Valentine's day by going on this trip. Now you may think that I've been a heartless bugger, making my moves on a new girl, but firstly I wasn't making my moves at all - the relationship just blossomed, and it was amazing - and secondly I found out at the same time that she had a boyfriend of six months. At the very least, I was shocked. But luckily, things weren't working out and she was thinking of ending it with him long before I came onto the scene. I just kind of cemented the deal.

We both promised not to cheat on our other halves while we were away, because we're both respectable people - really, we are - but our relationship kept on growing. We never kissed on the trip, not once, and we were both pleased with that and we respected each other for it. Needless to say we both had a strong idea of where this was going and who we were going to be calling when we got back into England, but we remained abstinant regardless. On the flight back, however - don't get any dirty thoughts, I am not a dirty manwhore - we were sitting next to each other, and the timing was right. We had our first kiss 30,000 feet in the air. How's that for a story?

And so we came back, ended our failing relationships with our other halves, and started going out, and we've been going strong ever since, including having a whole year at uni apart form each other. As I said, I apologise for the lovey-dovey nature of this blog, but I like telling the story because it means a lot to me, just like she means the world to me. So this is for Emily, and this is our story. God that was cheesy.

Webfind 2 - The Condiment Gun

If you're a fan of ketchup, mustard, BBQ sauce, brown sauce or any other sauce to a dangerously addictive level, then you might well be interested in this crafty little weapon of mass dispensing. Man, I surprised even myself with that little quip. Not sure if it's a good surprise or not though. Hmmm.

Moving on, I'm sure we've all had the trouble of when you're coming down to the bottom of the bottle of ketchup or whatever and you're left with the dregs all roung the edge and on the bottom, which leaves you whacking and hitting the bottle in a vain attempt to garner all you can. Either that, or the bottle is full enough but the sauce is fervently unmoving, meaning you whack and hit the bottle as much as you can only to have it explode all over your food and yourself, meaning you look an absolute fool. Well the Condiment Gun aims to rid us of these problems, and in style.

No longer will you look the fool at BBQs - instead you can be the Sauce Slinger, a great marksman of unrivalled prowess, firing people's chosen dressing from across the garden with pinpoint accuracy. Or you could just cover people in sauce, resulting in a sticky, angry mess. Which would frankly be hilarious for all involved.

But a thought occurs - when was the last time you actually had to hit the bottom of a bottle to get sauce out of it? My bet is it's been a while, because thanks to a marvellous invention, the problems listed earlier have already been solved - malleable plastic. Yup, that's right, those plastic bottles have pretty much made the Condiment Gun a redundant idea, seeing as it solved the above problems quite a few years before it was even created.

This said, the Condiment Gun serves as nothing more than a cheap alternative to a water pistol that can fire thick, viscous, colourful fluid, and I don't think that's such a bad idea. So, cover everything in your house with white sheets and let rip! (Disclaimer: I do not condone this action unless you cover absolutely everything. In which case, go wild. Just don't blame me if something gets a new colour scheme)

I found the Condiment Gun at Gadgetshop

In other news nothing much is happening at the moment, just doing some reading for essays and the like. I head home this Sunday for the Christmas holidays, which will be good, but it means I have to clean my room before I'm picked up. And believe me, that's a fairly big job. The trouble is, it's so easy to get a room messy, especially with clothes as they can take up so much floor space. Ah well, I'll have to do that around my work. At some point. Probably soon. Maybe.

Overhaul

So I decided to give my blog an overhaul and a complete redesign - which, thanks to Blogger, is exceptionally easy. In fact the hardest part was messing around with some of the coding, changing a few numbers and general stuff like that, but such trivialities are boring and inane. So I won't bother you with them.

Well, all you really have to do is look around and you'll see how pretty my blog is now! I mean it's now looking almost official, like a professional blog. Now bear in mind I did use the quantifier 'almost' there, so please don't start slamming me for being overzealous and too proud of a somewhat mediocre layout. I like it, I designed the new header and status icon (that's the thing in the top left of this post - they'll be a recurring thing in each of my posts) and the picture of me on the right. Lovely isn't it? Yes, yes it is.

Well, after looking around at some more influential, interesting and generally better blogs than mine, I've realised I need to get more pictures up. I also realised that my blog needs to be about something, but I can't ever single out one thing and stick to it, so I'm just keeping this blog about me and my random musings. But what ho! Is this a picture I spy below?

Take note Strongbow, these are your patrons - advertise with caution

Ok yes, that ruggedly handsome fellow is me. This was for a disco party at my university house, and I was one of The Village People - I was trying to be the biker, but I didn't have a leather flat-cap, so I just went full 80s glam-rock and busted out some of my old goth gear. The shades even had Elvis sideburns attached to them, that's how awesomely cool they were. The party, needless to say, was a roaring success, and almost all of the people who came dressed up, which was a turn for the better. We discoed (i don't know how to spell the verb of 'disco' - if you do, please let me know) up our kitchen with some funky disco lights, a lava lamp, a bubble lamp and a disco ball, so it looked amazing - all that was missing was the platform shoes and John Travolta.

We had the music as well, and what's more, we didn't even need to go out and buy it from anywhere - between my housemates and I, we had a good ten hours plus of old-school disco tracks, ranging from the classic "A Fifth of Beethoven" by Walter Murphy to A-ha's "Take On Me", and many many more! God, I sound like one of those terrible telemarketing ads for those hideously expensive 8-disc sets. Get me a bad wig and whiter-than-white teeth and we're on to something here. But no, the music was absolutely immense, and my three male housemates and I all danced to the YMCA as four of the members of The Village People.

We are not gay. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

Expect more fancy dress shots of me in the future, as I am a huge fan of stupid parties and the like involving crazed costumes, and I haven't put any other pictures of me at such shindigs up here yet. I really do hope you enjoy my new blog, because I know it will enjoy you. It will. Yes, really. With that I'll say that I'm going to try and update this thing more often, so stick around and feel free to comment on anything and everything you can and/or want to, and I'll try my damndest to comment back!

Advent-agious Situation

See what I did there? Bah.

So I can finally raid my advent calendar - I know I'm late by three days, but I can't be arsed to keep track of the date beyond what day of the week it is during the rest of the year, so forgive me if I'm a little slow noticing when December finally rolls round.

I've got a pretty bog-standard Simpsons calendar, like last year and the year before, and most years before that. I don't dislike it - hell, I'm actually still quite fond of the Simpsons despite the film's less than excellent suck-to-win ratio - it's just that the past two years I've gotten the exact same "surprise" gift in the 25th door, which kind of sucks. I mean firstly, it's a fridge magnet of all things - though thinking about it, it's better than the computer mouse t-shirt I got one year. I shit you not. No, really. But what narks me off is that this year they've not even given us two doors for the 25th, unlike every year previously - one for the slab of chocolate that inevitably displays "Merry Christmas", and another for the surprise gift. However, this year there is just one door - a single, ominous door that could yeild either a chocolate slab or a crappy gift. Not both. No "and" in that sentence, which bothers me.

I'm probably just being selfish, but I wouldn't mind having both. But if they do choose to skimp out on one of the two, I'd rather be left with the chocolate. Take note, advent companies. Which gets me thinking, is there a company that just makes advent calendars? And if so, what the hell do they do the rest of the year? Surely it can't take that long to design and create another line of calendars for the next year?

On a completely unrelated note, I've been suffering from insomnia recently. Well, that's not strictly true - it would be more accurate to say that I'm slowly becoming nocturnal. I don't feel tired before 6am, which leaves me with a choice - I can either just stick it out and go without sleep, meaning I attempt to catch up the next day (an option which I have chosen more than once), or I can just crash out and get my eight-to-ten hours, meaning I wake up at around 4pm having missed daylight due to it being winter and all. I'm slowly trying to reintroduce myself to the morning hours, but it's a slow process, what with me already being lazy as hell.

I've also been dreaming really vividly recently, and I mean really really clear, the kind of dream I can control what I'm doing but I don't know I'm dreaming. They're all good or great dreams as well, which just makes it better. Maybe that's why I want to sleep more - these dreams rock so much harder than the real world. Hmmm.

Anyway, time to have a healthy breakfast of chicken dippers and chips. It's all I bought this morning. Yum.